Recently a Government action has come to my attention that’s quite frankly unbelievable. Not only that it’s been suggested, but it seems there’s a good chance it could very well come true.

To spare you the brain melting, nose bleed inducing legalese, it comes down to this basic summation.

Under this new ruling, your Intellectual Property will be at risk of being taken by some private company and used for whatever purpose they want. Worse yet, they’ll get to choose how much, or even IF, they pay you anything for your work, which under this new ruling on Copyright regulations won’t technically be “yours”, but public domain.

Of course, those trying to push this through HAVE put something in their dense, indecipherable-without-a-degree-in-copyright-law proclamation. There is an OPTION to opt out of this and choose to retain the sole rights to YOUR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY. That’s right, they may be money grabbing bastards, but they’ve been thoughtful enough to include a clause that allows you to take ownership of something you owned in the first place. The problem being, of course, most people won’t be aware of this, because it’ll be hidden amidst a flood of long, latin sounding words you need a dictionary to fully understand. 

But the fact they’ve included an option to object to this new ruling is meaningless. It’s an empty gesture that shouldn’t be required in the first place. We’ve all agreed to the terms and conditions of itunes without reading it, and the government know this. It’s why they’ve included this option, to cover their arses in the case someone notices this borderline Communist idea.

My problem isn’t with the idea of people’s I.P being freely used by anyone, after all we live in a world where doing so can lead to great things. Unfortunately, the people that will be taking advantage of this ruling are the wrong kinds of people: not fellow artists, musicians, actors, writers and directors, but companies. The problem is, the idea of public domain content isn’t new, and more often than not, if you ask the owner of something cool and creative about involving their creation with yours, they’re more than happy to do so. We live in a world where more and more people are doing their own thing, and despite what some would have you believe, there’s a lot of creative types out there willing to help follow members of their community. What this addendum to copyright law means is that someone wants to control the flow of content that they don’t and can’t currently regulate.

It needs to be the other way around. The IDEA behind this is a good one. Unfortunately it’s being played out in such a way that goes against the whole point of Intellectual Property. There should be an option for people to create something, put it out into the world and say “Hey, people. Do what you like with it.” This of course already happens, but as I said earlier, currently you can’t make money off of using someone else’s work without their permission and royalty payments.

If this sounds wrong to you, (and if you don’t you need to read this blog again because you obviously haven’t been paying attention, after all this change would mean your instagram pictures and flickr account would all be susceptible to this) then PLEASE follow this link http://www.change.org/petitions/uk-government-dept-of-business-innovation-skills-abandon-proposed-changes-to-orphaned-works-copyright-law?utm_campaign=petition_created_email&utm_medium=email&utm_source=guides# and sign the petition, because not doing something while you have the chance will definitely come back to bite you sooner or later. After all, if they come for your neighbours and you do nothing, eventually you’ll be the only one left. And then they’ll come for you.

Before I go any further I want to make one thing clear. I REALLY wanted to like Prometheus: not only am I a fan of Alien through to Alien 3 (I want to like Ressurection simply because of Joss Whedon’s involvement, but even he joked that while he now owns an actual Alien egg prop, he had to run the franchise into the ground to do so) but I love that entire universe that all started with a haunted house in space movie. 

Why am I telling you this? Well, Prometheus promised to expand that universe and add to the cryptic mythology that started when the in over their heads crew of The Nostromo discover a long dead alien space ship. 

BUT it failed to do so. Completely. There’s little to no explanation or payoff in Prometheus, and what little there is happens in a jumbled final fifteen minutes that fails to deliver what every fan of the Alien franchise wanted, instead it tried to set up a sequel that promises the same thing Prometheus did originally.  

The film’s pacing is slapdash, it meanders here and there, pausing occasionally for a moment of exposition or an exchange of dialogue that tells us why we should care about these characters. The problem is, you can’t: because the characters aren’t characters, they’re glorified cardboard cut outs whose sole purpose is to get picked off one by one. If this plotting sounds familiar, it should, Prometheus borrows a lot from it’s source material, but with the quality and success of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy. 

In many ways it’s strange to think Ridley Scott directed the film, because it feels like someone else is directing and trying to imitate Scott’s style. There are sweeping landscape shots that open the film, but the rest of the film has no real visual flare, just lots of handheld work that prevents the production design, which is genuinely quite impressive when you consider the fact most of it is in fact “old school” physical sets.

But the biggest problem is the script. It’s never quite sure what it’s supposed to be: there are moments of attempted character development, the inclusion of Fassbender’s David (taking the place of Ian Holm’s android from Alien) tries to raise some points about what it is to be human and at several points seems to suggest that Humanity deserves to suffer the fate of The Prometheus’ crew. But neither of these things ever really resonate, they’re mentioned and then we move on; instead of cleverly integrating these themes into the narrative, your smacked in the face with a hammer while someone screams their pseudo philosophical nonesense at you.

There are other issues, minor ones that I would have overlooked had there been some redeeming features, but it doesn’t. So here’s a quick list of things that make you go “huh?”

A misunderstanding of how DNA works tries to make the characters seem clever, it fails to do so.

Most of the cast are fantastic, in other things. Rafe Spall, Idris Elba and Charlize Theron don’t even have the chance to chew the scenery, they plod through lines with strange accents (Elba and Spall affect American accents, neither of which are convincing) and Theron’s character seems to have a secret that’s revealed to be something pathetic in the closing moments of the film.

And while we’re talking about the actors, I’ll mention Guy Pearce. If you saw any of the viral marketing for Prometheus, you know Pearce plays Peter Weyland. And he does so in the film. Unfortunately he does so as an ancient and dying version of the character. The fact everything in this film takes place because a sad old man doesn’t want to die, should have been an emotional sucker punch that sowed discontent and outrage amongst the crew. But it’s revealed in the final act, when most of the cast is dead, and the few survivors don’t seem all that surprised Weyland, who they thought was dead, has been on the ship the whole time.

In the closing moments one character is about to be crushed by a falling space ship. They’re saved by a rock that prevents an entire space ship from crushing them. 

The creature designs seem to have been done by someone who watched Alien ten years ago and is half remembering what they looked like. There are also other creatures that only exist to serve the final “reveal” of the Alien’s origin.

Which leads us back to where we started. Prometheus was supposed to be an origin film, complete with clever title that refers to the mythological moment when mankind mastered flame. But we never get an origin, and when the Alien is finally introduced, it’s done in a way that doesn’t make much sense. It almost feels like the writers forgot what they were supposed to be doing until they’d almost finished the script and couldn’t be bothered to  do a rewrite. And then, the final, most fatal of all the film’s flaws? The reveal of the Alien is ineffective, rushed and, worst of all, it isn’t the original H.R Geiger design that bled acid, scurried through air vents and scared the shit out of cats. it’s an almost Alien, the head shape is there, and it’s black, but that’s about it.

The film ends with the only survivor, a slim, athletic and traumatized woman, (sound familiar?) flying off in another space ship in search of answers. Which is exactly what I was left wanting, starting with “How exactly did this go so very wrong?”

The internet is a buzz with the simple fact that Joss Whedon has expressed concern over making an Avengers sequel. Naturally, after a pitch perfect first attempt, fanboys like me the world over REALLY want to see Whedon return, kick arse and take names. I can understand his hesitation, after all, for many years Whedon was “the Buffy guy”, then “the Firefly guy” and he’s pretty much always been “the writer of awesome female roles guy”; so him not wanting to be “the super hero movie guy” makes sense. But there’s a VERY simple reason why Whedon SHOULD return for an Avengers sequel.

ONE WORD. Inception. HERE’S ANOTHER TWO. The Prestige. AND A FOURTH. Batman.

As far as I’m concerned, WE need Whedon to keep making Avengers and super hero movies. He gets them, understands how to make them and make them REALLY fucking well. And having just made Disney a billion dollars, the smart thing to do would be to let Whedon do a “vanity flick” then Avengers 2. Last time that happened, we got INCEPTION followed by THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. Sure, DKR isn’t out yet, and it may end up gargling big, hairy ones, but lets face it. It’s not going to. 

Disney letting Whedon do whatever the hell he wants next would be good financial and commercial sense. Not only will his next project be able to ride on the cot tails of The Avengers, we know it’ll be great. The last time Whedon was allowed to do whatever he wanted and create something truly original, we got CABIN IN THE WOODS. Fine, some of you didn’t like it, you have an opinion and i respect that. But you’re wrong. Cabin was a near perfect example of truly great film making, imagine what could happen if Whedon was allowed to produce something like Cabin with even a half a percent of what The Avengers took at the box office.

So yeah, Whedon is ESSENTIAL for another Avengers flick, and until The WB decides to “borrow” Marvel’s scheming to make a string of DC hero flicks then a Justice League movie, Joss doing Wonder Woman would be a waste of time. And if that’s not reason enough, I’ll leave you with this. What happened the last time a director left a critically and commercially successful super hero franchise? X Men 3: X Men United. And NO ONE wants to see that happen again.

“Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!

Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles! 

Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!

Heroes in a half shell…TURTLE POWER!”

That simple little ditty of a chorus defined a large part of now just my childhood, but my life in general. Of course, it wouldn’t be until years later that i realized the song had been changed in the UK because people worried that Ninja had too many negative connotations, presumably because of all the influential kiddywinks who’d watch the cartoon and decide instantly that a life of silent solitude and stabbing people in the face with big swords was the way to go.

Anyway, whether it’s The TMNT’s cartoon acting as a gateway show to the world of The X-Men, Spiderman and Street Sharks, collecting their toys (including the sought after foot soldier my brother decided to throw out of a window) or simply believing them to be real thanks to a neighbor leaving notes “from the Turtles” for me near a drain, The Teenage Mutant NINJA Turtles had an irreparable effect on my life. My love all sci fi? TMNT. Love of comics? TMNT. Desire to eat Pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner? TMNT.

Why am I telling you all this? (aside from the internet anonymity induced narcissism and typing finger twitches of a frustrated writer) Well, the business of show (business being the key word here) that is Hollywood has decided to reboot The Heroes in a half-shell once more. Which you’d think is a good thing, no? After all, the last animated flick was fun, but it felt a little flat, half hearted and didn’t have the impact of the first three live action flicks simply because of the overly stylized character designs. Well, yes. A new TMNT flick is a good thing, the fact Michael Bay was producing it was also a good thing, after all if you want a film that delivers flat out action and witty characters, Bay is the man to go to. Until he said this.

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

So it’s happened again. Except instead of a shift in semantics, it’s a total ”re-imagination” of their origin. Aliens? Seriously? First off all, WHY? That’s the simplest question, there’s no need to change the origin, it’s unnecessary and most of all doesn’t make an awful lot of sense. But whatever, lets assume they know what they’re doing, after all they’ve got the blessing of both original TMNT creators and have been working closely with one of them on the film itself. Oh, wait, what? Peter Lair, co creator of The TMNT has something to say?

“I would actually encourage TMNT fans to swallow the ‘chill pill’ Mr Bay recently suggested they take, and wait and see what might come out of this seemingly ill-conceived plan. It’s possible that with enough truly creative brainpower applied to this idea, it might actually work. I’m not saying it’s probable, or even somewhat likely … but it is possible… The reason I say it could be a ‘genius’ idea is that – for the first time – someone has come up with a way to have as many freakin’ Turtles as they want. I mean, if the TMNT are actually members of an alien race, there could be a whole planet of them!”

Right, that’s not really a blessing is it? At best a thinly veiled dose of sarcasm shot across Michael Bay’s bows. And he goes on to explain his reaction on his blog, http://peterlairdstmntblog.blogspot.co.uk/ , which is a well thought out and concise explanation of of the why, as well as a well structured argument ultimately condemning the idea. He’s right, the only idea to really do this is to expand the merchandise line and expand the universe to milk the possible characters for all it’s worth.

And then the film’s director chimed in…

“I heard about it, and I’m glad there’s such a passionate fanbase—I think that was good news for everyone—but literally, I’ve just been locked in a room with Kevin Eastman. I think what we’re developing, the fans will love. I’m a fan, and I love what we’re doing. It’s a lot of stuff Kevin’s been thinking about for a long time and just hasn’t done. Anything we expand will tie right into the mythology, so I think fans will go apesh*t when they see it.”

Yeah, that’s right. He doesn’t think the fans are going to mind. If you don’t understand the irony of this belief, do a quick google search for the reactions to this. Long story short? The reaction is up there with Greedo shooting first.

So why have i decided to weigh in on this? Simple. For me, I grew up enjoying the escapades of the wisecracking, arse kicking Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. And that never changed my enjoyment of Raph, Mike, Don and Leo. (yeah, that’s right, i’m on nickname basis with them)

Now, do i think it’s a good idea to change the origin? Not really. Will I see the new flick? Yes, definitley. Because as the recent reboot of The DC universe and remake of every classic eighties movie shows us, the originals will always be there, because our memories of the things we love aren’t the important thing, the important thing is just how the things we love have made us the people we are today, for better and worse.

One last thing, and this is really just so i can show off. The new version of the Turtle’s origin is going to revolve around the Turtles being aliens, or at the very least having connections to the alien turtles of another world. So my theory? For those with nothing better to occupy their time with? Those canisters responsible for making our Turtles Teenage Mutants, which have contained a substance with a variety of names over the years, are going to contain Alien Turtle DNA. If that’s the case, not only will I be okay with this reimagining of their origin, i will also expect the universe to finally recognize i’m a legitimate writer and throw some paying work my way. YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE?  PAYING WRITING GIGS! NOW!

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m gonna go eat some Pizza, skateboard and hit someone really hard with a Bo staff while screaming cowabunga and trying to reconcile the confusing feelings i have for my friend the television news reporter.

So most reading this probably aren’t aware of the controversy surrounding the recent announcement that DC comics would be releasing a series of prequel comics to the classic, groundbreaking, highly influential to this very day comic book series entitled The Watchmen. All you really need to know is that The Watchmen changed comics. Written by Alan Moore, it took a group of super hero archetypes that were metaphors for characters such as Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman, and put them into a conspiratorial satire about the the impending doom, and everything that surrounded it, of The Cold War. Like i said, it’s considered a classic, it received critical and commercial success on release and continues to do so to this day, it was responsible for a lot of the “commentary comics” (characters battling real world issues such as rape, drug abuse and believable romantic relationships) that followed it and made the New York Times bestseller list when it was published as a collection of the twelve issues.

Because of all this, a film adaptation of the book had been in the work for decades, with a slew of different directors and writers involved, but then Zack Snyder came along and knocked it out of the park. Now, fine, it didn’t set the box office on fire, but a superhero film that contained rape, social and political satire, a spaghetti junction of story lines and character arcs and a complex deconstruction of the super-heroics, was never going to give Titanic a run for it’s money. Some objected, many more were skeptical and Alan Moore himself refused to have any involvement, not even taking the money he was owed, but the overall result was a faithful, enthusiastic adaptation of the comic, albeit one that was perhaps too loyal to it’s source material for some.

Of course, the moment it was realized The Watchmen had the potential to make money, DC got excited. And after months of rumours and whispers, including the threat of a sequel to the film, it was announced DC would be releasing a series of prequel comics, thirty four issues in all, written and illustrated by some of the industry’s best. 

So that’s what you need to know if you’re gonna read the rest of this, although if you didn’t already know some/all/any of that, why you’d read the rest I have no idea. 

This whole thing is weird. On the one hand it bugs me that DC couldn’t have just left The Watchmen alone, especially after the tepid reaction to the film. If there had been a bigger reaction to the flick, THEN i could see why they’re doing the prequels, simply from a money spinning point of view. But that can’t be why they’re doing this, because who other than fans of the original are going to even know about this, let alone care? And judging from the reaction, most fans aren’t going to be picking up these books. 

The main problem i have with them is that there’s no good reason to do so, i can’t think of a single plot point or character arc from the book that i’d like to see expanded or explained further that wasn’t covered in the original. The other problem is that these characters aren’t really original characters, they’re archetypes of existing heroes Moore used to tell a story and make a point, albeit with a lot of blue penises and “superheroes gone wild” mayhem and hijinks. Because of this, there isn’t really anything to add to, there was never anything of real depth to begin with. The Watchmen is almost a technical exercise in how to write an epic, genre spanning graphic novel with a message, like most of Moore’s work it’s metaphysical, satirical and oozing with winks and nods to the reader. It’s all this that leads to my general bafflement at the existence of these titles. Yes, they’ve got some great names working on the title, and there’s a part of me that likes the idea of the universe that changed my view of comics continuing on in some form or other.  

So does this bother me? A little bit. But lets be perfectly clear minded about this, the existence of these originals is NEVER going to affect the quality of the original book. if there is one thing to take away from this, it’s that Alan Moore was right, we’re hurtling towards doom and devastation, but when it happens, when the gigantic squid monsters decimates Manhattan, those who lived through it will have been brought together. And those responsible will probably have made DC some money that, god willing, they’ll use to commission some new, original titles that’ll one day spawn film adaptations the creator disowns and spins off, prequels and sequels fanboys the world over will despise.

Either way, it seems The Comedian gets the last laugh, because he was right. It is all a joke.

Before you read the rest of this blog, follow the link bellow (sorry, can’t figure our how to embed urls so they’re a clickable version of what i’m currently writing) and read the latest expulsion today has to offer. Right, I’ll see you on the other side.

http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/family-parenting/meet-the-parents-who-are-raising-a-genderless-baby-blog-90-yahoo-lifestyles.html#mwpphu-container

Welcome back. Right.

What a bunch of utter wank. Seriously, this so called “attempt to raise a genderless child” does nothing except make me question whether these people should be allowed to have children, or for that matter operate heavy machine, vote, use the internet or be allowed anywhere near any children ever. This isn’t anything other than complete morons enforcing not only their twisted delusions-masquerading-as-social-beliefs, but it perpetuates the idea that these people know what they’re talking about. There is absolutely no legitimate psychological basis to their “beliefs”, which frankly have the same validity as that crazy bloke in New York who thought the world was going to end or those new crazy people who seem to think the same thing. 

Who the hell could possibly think this is a good idea, apart from utter lunatics. They say that by not telling anyone “what” the baby is, it’ll somehow effect the way people react to and treat the child, which is true, it will effect the way people see the poor child, but not in the way they’re hoping it will. If anything this is going to confuse the child even more, not to mention the fact that the things they’re talking about AREN’T A CHOICE. It’s biology, brain chemistry and our experiences that make us who were are. Which is unfortunate for this kid, because with a name like Storm and parents like that, this poor kid is going to suffer a childhood of exclusion, bullying, confusion and puerile jokes made at her expense.

So many of you probably don’t know this, but Marvel have unleashed a maelstrom of propaganda/marketing relating to their Fantastic Four comic and the fact that one of the Marvel U’s Fab Four would be biting the dust as they kick the bucket off of this mortal coil and into that good night. Its been MONTHS in the making, the fact one would die being incredibly public while doing a VERY good job of keeping quiet about who would actually pop their clogs, even going as far a to pull a Death of Superman and put the specific issue in a black bag to give it another level of secrecy. And to help whip every fanboy/girl/chimp/squirrel into an unstoppable frenzy, it was announced the issue would get its own release day coming out on a Tuesday instead of Wednesday with all the other books. So far, so very cool and another example of just why MARVEL is winning the ongoing war of the big two, a conflict the likes of which has not been seen since the last time a Star Wars convention was held across the street from a Star Trek convention. 

So this morning, and by morning I mean lunchtime, I woke up and switched on my computer as part of my everyday ritual, hit up twitter so some famous types could drop some 140 character knowledge on me, and what happens? Jonathan FUCKING Ross blows the whole thing before i’ve even had the chance to drag my fat arse down to ACE COMICS COLCHESTER, a store I’ve frequented pretty much religiously for most of my comic reading life. No spoiler warning, no inviso-text or referencing the character without flat out saying it, NO he just flat out tells everyone.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “But Richard, Its not his fault, the internet (of which there has never been a greater hive or digital scum and villainy) is where internet secrets go to whip open their trench coats and flash their unmentionables to anyone willing to watch. Yes, thats true, but the difference is usually spoilers are in fact treated with the kind of awe and revery reserved for copies of Amazing Fantasy 15, the internet in many ways is like a Strip Club, and not a flasher as i clumsily compared it to earlier, you CAN go there and see all sorts of nudity and naughty things, but you can also just sit at the bar, back to the girls and enjoy the repetitive dance music that hasn’t changed since the mid nineties. But what Jonathan Ross did was whip off his proverbial bikini top and force me to motorboat his grotesquely fake boobs. And he’s make sure I enjoy.

So I guess the point of this blog isn’t to discuss the fate of a certain cosmic ray effected super hero, but to ask you all to think before you spoil. There are a couple of basic rules to follow and they are as follows:

1/ How long ago has it happened? More specifically, is it Citizen Cane or the latest release, because as fanatic as the world of geekery and cult film/TV is, not everyone has the time and resources to be first in line to pick it up/read it/see it/play it and then run to the internet to discuss it. If its been less than a week, come on, its common sense, if its more than that, throw up a warning or invisio-text it if you’re on a message board.

2/ Don’t be a dick about it. You know what you’re doing, you know the power you wield, and to borrow a phrase from a certain Uncle Ben (no not the one who sells the rice) ‘With great power, comes great responsibility.” 

3/ And last but not least, don’t blame others for your short sightedness. You know what you did. I hope you’re reading this Jonathan Ross!

So yeah, quit it with the spoilers, or the very least strain yourself a little and use some common sense. 

So the Lord of The Rings ended with Sam writing it all down in a fucking book, which not only doesn’t entirely make sense but is also film ending cliche 101 (that said, the number of times that film ended i’m surprised there wasn’t a “luke i am your father” moment while Gandalf exposed his massive genetalia to the world before the camera pulled all the way back to reveal Middle Earth is actually on the head of a pin or some such bullshit) And now apparently The Hobbit is going to start with FRODO reading the book Bilbo wrote reciting his adventure from the Hobbit? Seriously? Its that kind of Bullshit that means for me there will always only be ONE return, and it won’t be of the King or the Sith, it’ll be of the Jedi.

Now, yes, this is only a rumor and may not happen, but then again so was Jar Jar Binks, and they do seem intent on trying to give EVERYTHING from the LOTR trilogy a cameo in The Hobbit, right down to Boromir’s second cousin on his mum’s side and the conception of the cave troll the Fellowship fucked up in the mines of Moria. Its already claimed Legolas will cameo, as will Aragorn, Galadriel, Elrond and obviously Gandalf (who in all fairness is actually supposed to be in The Hobbit) so there’s a good possibility that they’ll bring Frodo back. And come on, its not like they won’t be able to afford Elijah Wood, did you see Green Street 2? No, of course you didn’t, no one did.

So its a rumor, yes it may never happen, but this is my blog and I can write/slander/ramble whatever the fuck I want, deal with it. But over violently over reacting in a geek hurricane of righteous fury not seen since a million voices all screamed out at once before going silent at the discovery of Gredo shooting first (yes, i’m still on that, no, i won’t let it go, you let it go, your face should let it go) is not why I wrote this, not entirely anyway.

No, i wrote this in the hope someone will read this and pass it on to Peter Jackson so that he can read the following.

In a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

There was a young man with stories to tell, they were intelligent, well written and directed, showing great promise for his future works. And then, one day (having waived his writer/director fee in exchange for the merchandising rights) in a collection of movie studios based in south london, he called action on a little known film called STAR WARS. Everyone knows the rest of the story, the world was a crazy place back then, the crazy blowing the roof off of cinemas the world over with the screening of Star Wars and its subsequent sequels.

And then, not so long ago in a galaxy not so far, far away…

The prequels began. Everyone knows the fracas and mayhem that ensued following those films. They pulled a Steve Austin on the internet, making it better, faster, stronger than before just so people could bitch and moan about the flat out awfulness of those films.

Now this may seem like ive gone off on a tangent of dubious connection, but please bear with me, you’ve made it this far, it’d be a shame to give up now.

Anyway, Lucas produced films widely disliked by the fans, who aren’t innocent in this by any stretch of the imagination, they missed the fact that the prequels were made for kids the same age as Anakin was in each of the three films, the audience growing up and taking a similar emotional journey with him as he grew up, fell in love and had his heart broken before going bat shit crazy and slaughtering everyone. Obviously the journey the kids in the audience take isn’t the same, but its a parallel that is clear as day if you squint and look at it from a certain angle.

I don’t mind the prequels, do i like them? No. but not for the reason most do. The films were RIDDLED with unnecessary technology, cameos, references, origins and story telling techniques. See, its all coming together.

So Peter Jackson, PLEASE, don’t complicate The Hobbit with pointless digressions and “fan pleasing” moments. The Hobbit is a superior book to the Lord Of The Rings (again, this is my blog, i reserve the right to state opinion as fact), you don’t need to do anything other than adapt the novel the way you did with The Lord Of The Rings, the twists of perspective and winks to the audience to include character cameos isn’t needed.

So there, consider everything officially off my chest. Here’s hoping The Hobbit isn’t to LOTR fans as The Phantom Menace is to Star Wars fans.

And Peter? If you rerelease those films twenty years from now with improved special effects and I discover you’ve recut the film so that Gandalf attacks Saruman (Its not the most effective metaphor but i’m sure you get my point) I will be coming for you!

THEN.

So BBC Three, in their infinite wisdom have decided that instead of commissioning a series that follows on from the well received TV pilot PULSE, written by god head and all round writer of the moment Paul Cornel, they’re going to make a TV show based on a pilot they haven’t shown to the public.

Now, admittedly I have an axe to grind, but the BBC Three began as such a great idea, a new channel for a new generation, the digital generation, promising challenging new shows and ideas, even commissioning a sitcom from a teenager who had never had a shown on the TV before. And while this was a great idea, it was one that was not only quickly forgotten about, but also spawned what they would almost exclusively show for the next decade. That show was TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS, the ultimate marmite show that caused a split not seen since that Moses fella parted the red seas giving Luke enough time to blow up the Death Star or something.

The channel soon hung its hat on the tagline “not afraid to try something different” which was a lie to start with as they showed nothing but repeats of other shows and Two Pints. And then came TORCHWOOD, a show that WAS different, fair enough it was a spin off of the hugely successful DOCTOR WHO and was a little hit and miss for its first series, but it did show what could be done and was successful enough to make the move to BBC 2 and then prime time BBC ONE. 

This seemed to be the true beginning of a new generation. Shortly after that they began their PILOT SEASON, where they showed pilots for shows like BEING HUMAN, which was commissioned for a full series after huge internet support and being rather good, not to mention being in the right place at the right time as Edward Cullen and his stupid, sparkly disco ball face and the incredible topless wolf boy loomed on the horizon.

NOW.

The BBC Three, still hanging their now tattered and unfashionable hat on the same tag line, did the same thing. This time the pilots were a little more pedestrian than last times, with a couple of “urban” dramas and PULSE, a seemingly normal medical drama that gradually took a couple of wrong turns and became a sci fi/horror show that was genuinely creepy and scary. Again it was received very well, out of the various pilots it was the only one i heard any “buzz” about and all seemed right with the world. 

Then BBC Three announced, in their seemingly finite wisdom, that PULSE would not be getting a series, instead deciding to go with a pilot that the public hadn’t seen. Now, i was under the impression that the whole point of pilot season was to see what THE LICENSE FEE PAYING PUBLIC thought of the pilots and allow that to influence the decisions. But they aren’t going to do that, instead deciding that PULSE didn’t fit with the rest of their programming, they’re going with unnamed show which, if the rest of their programming is anything to go by, will be some combination of chavy mums trying (and failing) to look “hotter” than their equally chavy daughters, a group of youngsters (who most definitely represent the general british youth of today) with a collective IQ in the negative double digits as they go about learning to live life independently like us normal folk, going on adventures like learning how to empty a bin or discovering the truth of how clothes are washed, all the while receiving no help to accurately represent the day to day life of us normos (apart from the TV Production crew following them around and paying them just like all of us) or maybe it’ll just be a show about chavy morons who can’t spell condom, and really by law shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce, “learn” how to raise a baby properly.

So, “BBC Three, not afraid to try something different.” should really be more along the lines of “BBC Three, not afraid to try something challenging, entertaining, original and different once, before going back to churning out the same old bilge about chavy mums wanting to look “hotter” than their chavy daughters or a group whose collective IQ is in the negative double digits as they give birth or live on their own without the support of anyone (except the TV production crew paying them to supposedly live independently like normal people).

I know, its not as catchy, but it seems at this point BBC Three and in fact the BBC in general doesn’t seem all that bothered about what the viewer ship think, perfectly happy to blow money on cheap shows just to fill the air time or compete with the equally terrible shows on ITV, so i can’t imagine it’ll make much of a difference.

So, the iphone 4 is out and, while I don’t have one to play with myself as I’m not, you know the gatekeeper to Aladdin’s cave, but I feel I do need to speak up a little bit.

Now, I’m a mac fan, I love mac products, own an ipod, WANT an ipad and an iphone and i’m writing this very blog on a mac.  But, even with these rose tinted visions of all things apple that rivals Scott Summers’ ruby quartz P.O.V, the new iphone is pushing buttons, raising the blood pressure and stoking the fires of a rant deep down in my not inconsiderable belly.  

Come on apple.  What the hell happened?  You guys used to be cool.  You were the kid saying Frak or Frel in public, you were the old man being a bit racist before letting out a little fart in a packed life, the dog licking its balls for all to see.  You were the nudists of the computing technology world.  You did what you wanted and just didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thought, irregardless of whether you were doing the right thing or not.

So what is “the big thing” about the fourth generation of the iphone? A flash on the camera? Video calling? What pioneering piece of bleeding edge, fringe technology are you going grant us apple geeks next? The ability to play snake? And to top it all off, you still can’t use flash.  When is that going to be possible? Iphone 9? Iphone10? Or is that going to be the Tomorrow Never Dies esque promise of “it’ll be on the next one”?

So video calling.  Its been around for ages and, admittedly, it has been bloody awful, something I can’t see changing any time soon as you can only video call other people with video call phones, and with phones being four hundred odd quid that’s gonna be a SERIOUS problem for the vast majority of everymen and women uninterested in purchasing the latest piece of fruit branded technology simply because.  

But this isn’t the point.  None of the new toys or promise of new toys is. Its the very principle of the thing.

STEVE JOBS, you used to be cool, with your black turtle necks, under dog history of being fired from your own company and then being begged to come back and your email conversations with internet journalists about everything from file sharing to internet porn.  But come on, you’ve gone dark side, why release something YOU KNOW can be improved and then release the improvement after a period of time that’s just about long enough for people to have scrimped and saved so they can afford the next piece of tech.

And before you reply to that BLATANTLY rhetorical question, I know why.  Its money.  You’ve utilized one of the greatest business strategies since some guy convinced people bottled water was better than tap water and George Lucas decided Hayden Christiansen could act.  

But by churning out device after device that purposely becomes obsolete after a matter of months, you’re no better than the fourteen year olds on x-box live tea bagging their fallen opponents and squawking into microphones with such frequency you can’t actually hear what they saying, just that they’re saying something. The only way you could really make things worse is if you actually tea bagged every buyer of the new and improved with things it should have had in the first place piece of kit. Alas this would no doubt increase sales and be enjoyed by the vast majority of apple users who have bought into a lifestyle and image you have ingeniously crafted that would make even Simon Cowel jealous, a man whose soul belongs to seventeen different lords of the underworld in exchange for the success he now possesses.

So now I’m done, I’ve said my piece and will return to the dark recesses of the internet, shielded from the slings and arrows of many an upset apple fanatic.